Is Writing Memoir an Exercise in Narcissism?

I got a panicky email a few weeks ago from one of my clients.

I offered to hop on a call with her, and when we connected, I learned that some family members had been pressuring her to stop writing her story. They accused her of being a "narcissist."

As we unpacked what was happening—what was true and not true, I thought of Beck, another client, who initially came to me with a vague idea about the story he wanted to write:

"Snippets of experiences from my childhood living as a girl and moments of parallel in adulthood, as I re-experience firsts as a man."

I knew there was an important story there, and I also knew that "snippets" weren't going to do it justice.

"What are you most afraid of?" I asked. I figured the snippets approach was a way for Beck to protect himself, to guard his heart from further trauma and judgment.

Because this was a writer who had been abandoned over and over by the people who were supposed to love him most.

"Oh, I'm afraid that people will think my book is a narcissistic journey into nothingness," Beck said.

I hear a variation of this fear all the time from writers.

Sometimes people WILL accuse memoir writers of being narcissistic, which is what happened to the first writer I spoke about.

But more often the fear about narcissism comes from a fear within:

What if you write your story and no one cares?

While other fears pop up on the memoir journey like being afraid you’re not a good enough writer or that you'll hurt other people if you write your story, the fear that no one will care about your story is often the biggest mountain for a memoir writer to climb.

Virtually all memoir writers face this fear, and for writers from marginalized communities, including the LGBTQ+ community, this fear is even more acute.

Because when you've been told repeatedly that your story doesn't matter—that you don't matter—you start believing it.

When you've been told that the only way for you to survive in this world is to stay in the closet, you start believing it.

When you've lost family and friends simply by being your authentic self, you question whether you can handle more rejection.

You ask yourself if it's worth writing your story.

You start believing the lie that you have nothing of value to say.

One way to face the fear that no one will read your story is to voice it.

Say aloud what you are most afraid of. Write it down. Take away some of its power.

Beck did just that and now he's writing his story.

The snippets have been replaced with a heart-wrenching and powerful braided narrative about his unusual journey to parenthood, to his authentic self, and to reconciliation with the parent who abandoned him and his siblings when he was eight.

Doesn't sound much like a narcissistic journey into nothingness, does it?

Beck's story matters.

Your story matters too.

I hope you'll face your fears and write it!

Photo by Taylor Smith on Unsplash